BLUES STARTER KIT

So you wanna sing The Blues? Here's a starter kit.

1. Most Blues begin "woke up this morning."

Actually, there's room for improvement here. Real Blues Guys are up all night
in smoky clubs filled with hookers, druggies, junkies, crooked cops, sleazy
saxophone music, and plenty of hootch. I doubt if many of them actually get
up before noon.

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin The Blues.

EXCEPTION: you can stick something nasty in the next line..."I got a good woman - with the meanest dog in town"
On the other hand, "I HAD a good woman" is an excellent start.

3. Blues are simple.

After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of "Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town, He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs 'bout 500 pounds."

4. The Blues are NOT about limitless choice.

5. Blues cars are Chevys and Cadillacs.

Forget about a Neon or a Volvo.(Swedish guys seem to have The Blues, but they're really just neurotic).
A Lamborghini is right out.

Other acceptable transportation is Greyhound Bus or Southbound Train.
Walkin' plays a major part in The Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing The Blues. Adults sing The Blues.

Youth is no place to determine that life has beat you down 'til you can't
get up except on the wrong side of a glass of gin..

Blues adulthood means being old enough to go to the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have The Blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens.

Certainly not in Westchester County.

Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just depression.
Chicago, St. Louis and Memphis are still the best places to have The Blues.

8. A tip for you youngsters; Blues Guys rarely take note of the surrounding fabrics and furniture.

If you're making a film about The Blues, don't have Architectural Digest lying around the club.

9.The following colors do not belong in The Blues; violet, beige, mauve, taupe.

10. You can't have The Blues in an office or shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.
     Go outside to the parking lot,or sit by the dumpster

11.Good places for The Blues:

The highway, the jailhouse, the empty bed, bottom of a whiskey glass

12. Bad places to have The Blues: Ashrams, Gallery openings, weekend in the Hamptons

13. You have the right to sing The Blues if:
a. Your first name is a southern state - like Georgia
b. You're blind
c. You can't be satisfied.
d. You shot a man in Memphis
 
14. You can't sing The Blues if:
a. The man in Memphis lived.
b. You were once blind but now can see
c. You have all your teeth
d. You have a retirement plan or trust fund.

15. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing The Blues.

Ozzie Nelson isn't even in the running, not even if he came back to life and wiped
out all of the Memphis underworld.

16. If you asked for water and Baby gave you gasoline, it's the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. Wine (especially if it comes in a bottle with a twist-off cap)
b. Whiskey or bourbon
c. Black coffee.
d. Muddy water

17. Blues beverages are not:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Chardonnay
c. Anything with an umbrella
d. Any wine kosher for Passover
e. Sparkling water
f. Snapple
g. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

18. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's Blues Death.

Sorry, a discount extension of a major hotel chain, a la Holiday Inn Express, won't do.   And nothing with "Suites" in the title. Blues Guys never use the word "suites" unless they're referring to their cheap-ass women.

19. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a Blues way to die.
So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency
room.  It is not a Blues Death if you die during a liposuction treatment.

20. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old Black Man, and you slept in it.

21. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.

Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could.
Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues

22. Some Blues Names for Women: Sadie, Big Mama, Bessie

23. Some Blues Names for Men: Joe, Willie, Little Willie, Lightnin'.

Note: Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing The Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

24. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)